Being Gay in the Midwest.

Ever since high school, I have struggled with my homosexuality. I grew up in church and come from a rather conservative family. It was always taught that it was wrong. So these feelings I had...just had to get over them. The small town i grew up in, everyone knew everyone so the thought of being an outsider was not an option. Not to mention the effect it would have on my family from the society.

Finally college comes! My chance for freedom and to explore the way I was created. And guess what, I end up going to a small christian college in southwest Missouri. The buckle of the Bible belt. The next five years were like living in hell sometimes. I loved my college experience, but it was full of confusion and hard times. My sexuality, my very being, was in conflict with my religion.

This is where I met my first love. This "situation" lasted for almost two years. We loved hanging out together, and being around each other. We then found out we both "struggled" with being gay and entered into a physical relationship. It was great, don't get me wrong, until the day he told me that being gay is wrong and that this is a sin and we must stop. My heart was broken, my first love nearly killed me. For months we didn't talk and avoided one another. Then he started talking to me again and we soon find ourselves back into the sleeping together every night, and hanging out everyday. A week went by and I decided to ask him to be with me...only me. And his words crushed me again. He said it was wrong, that its a sin, that Im going to hell if i want to live this way.
We went through this cycle every two months or so for about two years. I cried...a lot. But it made me stronger. He is now happy, and we're great friends. He is gay now haha, and i find it amazing. But I will never forget those years of happiness and heartbreak.

Now, the school had no tolerance for homosexuality. We would have been kicked out if rumor spread that we were together or involved in "homosexual acts." I will discuss this more in the blog about coming out and accepting me as I was created, but it was my biggest fear. I made a lot of wonderful friends that are still my friends today, but that school impacted me in an important way when it comes to my spirituality. I believe there is a God, I believe I was created this way, but they turned me off from religion. Notice i say religion rather then spirituality. Organized religion, in my opinion, is severely flawed. Some better then others, but the hate that some people show towards people different then them is abounding in this country. Churches are flawed but refuse to admit it. No one should be turned away from their created, but thats what this college did to me. It showed me the hypocrisy that runs through its veins and the true nature of the beast. I love my God, don't get me wrong, but some of the people that claim to be spreading His word are failing in my eyes.

Remember, every person created has a purpose here on this Earth. People hate, and people love. I urge you to find those that LOVE above all else. You do matter!

Next up -- from college to coming out and accepting myself as I was created!